11 Common Divorce Traps
1. The most important thing to understand is that possession is 9/10ths of the law. Whoever has custody of the kids and lives in the house, will likely continue to be the person who retains custody and residence. Unless it is a question of health or safety, do not leave your house or your children without a signed Property Settlement Agreement or a Court Order. If you need to leave the house for safety reasons, ensure the children are safe as well and seek legal counsel immediately.
2. Until there is a Property Settlement Agreement or a Court Order, each of you has complete and total access to all joint property. Either of you may close and empty financial accounts or max out credit cards. Of course, the property and money will have to be disgorged and such antagonistic behavior may later cause suffering for the offender at the hands of a Judge. However, such recourse takes time. If you are the party who is looking at an empty checking account, the prospect of future restitution is little comfort. If you believe your situation is at risk, make sure you are proactive in getting a signed Agreement or changing all accounts to require signatures of both parties.
3. Unless there is a Custody Agreement or Court Order either of you may retain full custody of the children. Of course, taking the kids and telling your spouse to take a hike is upsetting to their emotional needs and stability and damaging to the children’s relationship with the other parent. It is also almost guaranteed to convince a Judge that you are not willing to act in the best interests of your children and a Custody Order will likely reflect such. However, if you are the parent who is wondering where your children are, such is little comfort in the moment. If you believe your situation is at risk, take proactive steps to work a Custody Agreement out with your spouse or talk with an attorney early.
4. In Virginia you are married until you are divorced. Virginia does not recognize “legal separation”. So if you are tempted to jump back into the social scene once you are separated from your spouse … DON’T. Not only is dating at this time likely to escalate tensions and make negotiations difficult ....post separation dating is still adultery.
5. There are a number of behaviors that can be used to irritate your spouse and prolong your separation process. In fact, such may make good litigation strategy. However, the same behavior that was a good litigation strategy is not likely to be a good life strategy. Choices made in the midst of battle can leave you in a financial and emotional hole. Later, when the fighting is done and the other person has already moved on and created a new life for themselves, you may be left with nothing except a huge legal bill.
6. Many parents have trouble adjusting to seeing their children half as often as they used to. In response, they make the mistake of hoarding every possible second with their children, bitterly fighting the ex-spouse for every half hour of time. When children grow up they do not remember which day they spent with which parent. They do not remember which parent was a half hour late or which Memorial Day was with Mom. They DO remember the 5, 10, 15 years their parents engaged in hostile, bitter, spiteful behavior…in the name “loving” the children. When these children are grown, they have a nasty tendency to repay the years you spent fighting “for them” with hostile disdain of their own, for the parents who acted like children all those years.
7. Everything you do, say, write, email, everywhere you go and everyone you see may be evidence in family law litigation. You have no privacy. If you do not want to hear about it in open court, do not do it, say it or write it.
8. Using your work computer to send emails to or from your attorney is a huge risk. Such emails have "no expectation of privacy", even if they are sent from a personal email address, even if they are immediately deleted. All such communications can be requested and used in a divorce proceeding.
9. Often one spouse will have consulted legal counsel well before the other spouse realizes there is a problem. In this situation the oblivious spouse is informed of the circumstances by receiving a formally drafted Property Settlement Agreement and told to “sign it or else”. Do not sign anything until an attorney has reviewed it. If you sign a document waiving important rights an attorney will not be able to help you later.
10. Do not make the mistake of believing any Judge really wants to spend 2 days hearing about who didn't take out the trash, who worked 14 hours a day, or who was the more horrible person. They listen to countless other stories, just like your, day in and day out. They are really just irritated that you and your spouse were not able to act like adults and work this out between yourselves. Now you are clogging up their docket and forcing them to take sides in a fight that means nothing to them.
11. The biggest mistake you can make is believing that you will find justice by dragging your spouse into court. The court system is set up to play Solomon. They will divide the baby, divide the assets and you will pay a fortune for the privilege of losing half of everything you own and love.